Do you ever have those moments to where someone can say that "oh there's nothing wrong with you. your beautiful the way you are". But you know when you look in the mirror, you see everything that is wrong. Its not just being able to see everything that is wrong, but also having to deal with them emotionally. I know I'm like that and there are probably a lot of other people that are like that as well. emotionally, we keep how we feel from others, listen to "depressing music", and mainly just want to be left alone with these thoughts and feelings. If we, and when I say we I mean the ones that can relate to what I'm talking about, we know that if we were to tell someone about how we are when we're in this stage, majority of people would label us as emo, but we know that's really not the case.
When we meet someone for the first time or even if its someone that we know all together, they always tell us how beautiful we are or anything on the lines like that. For some of us that have a hard time excepting that all together. It's not like we are not grateful for the compliment from others, we do take it to heart and are happy that someone actually sees us in that way. For us, we know the little things that make us think that we're not beautiful. Think about it, when you get compared to someone else, or someone you may like is attracted to someone that you may feel is so much prettier, or just the fact they like certain way other people may look that they find attractive or beautiful, you know that you would do whatever it takes to look that way. You end up being able to pick out every little thing that you feel is not pretty or makes you beautiful, in other words you pick out the negatives rather than the positives. Yeah, I know that you would say that just be you and you stand out in your own way, well its really difficult to do that when you feel like you have to change you and/or that your competing to get the attention that you are seeking.
Sometimes, its not the fact that its only physical appearances that get to you, its also the mental and emotional side of it as well. I know for fact that physical way we think is what triggers the way we are mentally and emotionally. Put yourself in front of a mirror for example, if you are able to find more negative things about you rather than the positives, imagine how you would feel mentally and emotionally. Some of you maybe able to get yourself pepped up and not acknowledge that, but again, its not that easy for others to do that. When we get into that mental and emotional stage, it can be a major pain and challenge to get out of. We can also slip into that stage without even realizing it; its something we never do by choice, it just happens randomly. Most of the time its just some random funk we get into or just the fact that we can be in a mellow mood and just let our mind wander into whatever it wants to think about at that time. Like I said, its not something we choose to do for fun, it just happens.
Now, a lot of the blogs I know I put myself in the situations every now and then just to give examples. With this one I go through all the time and it helps me write whatever comes to mind or how I feel about something. But with this blog, I can fully say, this blog says a lot about me, and for those of you that are reading this and are saying to yourself, "that's me, but how does she know that so well?" that's because I am that type of person as well....just like you this is my story as well.
I am the self-consciousness type of person where the physical, mental, and emotional type get to me really bad. I never chose to be like this or for it to be as bad as it now but that's just how it is, and when I'm trying to change it, its never easy. Physically, I never really thought that I was attractive at all. I always saw how other girls looked and the attention they received from anyone. I definitely was one of those girls that thought "Do I really have to look this way in order to get noticed?" To act one way was one thing I knew was not the way to get attention, and I knew that dressing in that manner would give off different signals, but dressing on the lines for short and tight fitting clothes, was that really the way to go? I knew that being me was the best thing to be, but the guys I liked we into that kind of look. So I figured, dressing in somewhat of that manner but still make it feel like me would help. Sure it did cause I did get notice by more than the guys I had a crush on, but why have to go through all of that. I was like that with my fiance, when we started talking again he told me how girls with anchor piercings
As far as my mental and emotional side, for me its actually worse than my physical self-conscious side. My mental mentality can be triggered by just about anything and causes my emotions to spark. Its kind of difficult to really describe what goes on through my mental stage but I can tell you that I mainly get like that whenever my feelings from my physical side come through or when I feel like something is my fault and someone will judge me by it or as if I am the bad guy and I can never do anything right. It sucks being in those stages cause its never easy to get out of. For me, those feelings last for more than just one day. I can be like that with my fiance sometimes and it sucks cause we can resolve it and be ok, but that feeling is still there and I cant just get rid of it like that on the spot. I end up being very mellow and to myself whether its after something like that or just the fact I'm just really chilled. It gets on my nerves when I'm in that mode and other think I'm mad or depressed about something, or even just because I'm not saying anything. I'm perfectly fine and sometimes I'm not, but just simply asking whats up rather than assuming is much better.
Well, that's a huge chunk about me that you now know. Of course there will be other blogs like these to where I'll fully tell you about me and what I'm like. My blogs are never a diary, there more of a blogging journal where its meant to be read and to receive feed back.
Sincerely,
La Meah A.N. Battle
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